Secrets of Successful Relationships: Expert Advice for Building Lasting Connections
by Sarah Bowman
Master the Art of Communication: Proven Strategies for Effective and Impactful Conversations
How do we create a better foundation for our relationships? Julie and John Gottman, who have been studying couples for 50 years, have developed strategies or “tools” to help build stronger communication, connection and attachments between partners.
My name is Sarah Bowman and I would like to share two tools based on the Gottmans’ methods which I have found to be effective in helping clients strengthen their relationships.
Bids and Turning Toward
When couples break up the cause is not usually a big issue like infidelity, but instead a result of built up resentment due to failed “bids for connection.” A bid is a request for your partner’s attention, interest, engagement, or support. Bids come in varied forms - a sigh, asking about your partner’s day, or initiating a hug. How each partner responds to these bids provides critical insight into how a relationship might be struggling or succeeding.
Imagine a couple taking a vacation and enjoying their hotel suite. One partner is on their phone while the other is looking out the window. That partner might say something like: “Oh, look at that beautiful boat.” This is a bid for connection.
The other partner has a choice to either turn against, turn away from, or turn toward their partner’s bid.
Turning Against would be if the partner says, “Stop distracting me. Can’t you see I’m reading.”
Turning Away would be if the partner completely ignores the bid and continues to look at their phone without acknowledging their partner.
Turning Toward would be if the partner looks up from their phone and acknowledges and/or comments on this remark. All it takes is a simple acknowledgment to make the other partner feel more connected.
The goal is to find a balance that meets one partner’s need for connection while meeting the other partner’s need for autonomy and independence. Finding this balance is critical to creating a strong relationship. This tool sounds simple but takes practice. It is surprising how effective it can be when partners practice being on the lookout for these bids and take the time to turn toward them.
Managing Unsolvable Problems
Do you feel like you and your partner fight repeatedly over the same things? The Gottmans’ research revealed approximately 69% of problems couples inevitably experience are “unsolvable.” These can include fundamental differences of opinion, unique personality traits, or past conduct, such as a breach of trust. If not properly addressed, these unsolvable problems may significantly damage or end the relationship.
These types of conflicts should never be ignored but effectively managing them is tricky and requires thought and practice. A major goal is to stop trying to solve these problems. Instead, partners must learn how to communicate their true feelings and find a path to understanding and/or forgiveness.
It is natural to try to solve problems, which often equates to winning - proving your position is correct. This is counterproductive to the relationship. If you find yourself trying to win by convincing your partner of the correctness of your position, stop and try a different approach. You may think you have won the argument but find you have seriously undermined the health of the relationship.
When you stop and think about it, some things that cause conflict just can’t be changed. You can’t win a conflict that arises from a unique personality trait that you find particularly annoying. Your partner can’t readily change their personality. Similarly, your partner can’t undo conduct that has breached your trust.
Communicating with your partner about conflicts
Instead of trying to prevail, try deepening your understanding of your partner’s perspective and communicating yours. The only way to do this is through dialog.
When engaging in this dialog, consider these simple (but hard to follow) tips.
Establish guidelines for the discussion. Partners should agree to a format that allows each to express themself.
Take turns. When it is their turn, the partner should be given sufficient, uninterrupted time to express their feelings and concerns.
Don’t interrupt until your partner has had the time to fully air their thoughts.
The other partner must be actively listening - looking at the other partner, taking notes, and nodding in agreement when possible.
Each partner should address their concerns in as non-threatening manner as possible.
Each partner should look for and make concessions or apologies. These can be small concessions or apologies, which foster compromise and conciliation. Remember, you are not trying to win.
Be calm. If the conversation gets heated, take a break but don’t give up.
Remember, you want the relationship to work. Set aside your ego and listen. You will find points of agreement. Always keep in mind that you are not trying to win but to manage the conflict and move forward with a strong and healthy relationship.
About the Author
Sarah Bowman provides individual psychotherapy and couples counseling in Tucker, GA and online in Georgia. Her specializations include anxiety, grief, and postpartum mood and anxiety disorders.
